Drifting.....

It's been a while.

Apologies for my absence.

I have needed a little break.

In truth, I haven't really had much enthusiasm for blogging.....or much else really.

It's all been about the day to day here.

The Bears have been really rather good this summer hols. Not so much bickering. Big Bear seems to have matured a lot this summer. Suddenly he is so grown up and adult like. I feel pride, but a tinge of sadness too. Where has the time gone? This baby born so small, whose whole hand could fit on my finger nail......taller than me, deep voiced now......sigh.

It has been a strange summer holiday this year.

This month of August seems to have flown by. I have been floating by alongside it. I realise by saying 'floating by', it sort of implies floating, as meaning, floating, dreamily and happy. My sort of floating is a weird sort of floating. Like suspended in air, and being gently pushed along. So I shall perhaps settle for 'drifting' (even though it feels more like floating).

An aimless drift.

Not being able to anchor myself to anything, but grabbing hopelessly at everything as I see it going by me. I get this feeling every now and then. It passes, so I just roll with it.

I have these lines going round in my head when I lay my head on the pillow at night...

'....A herd of shepherds to herd the sheep, sleep now my only one....'

I have those lyrics in my head when I close my eyes at night.

I've been listening to Kate Bush a fair bit at the moment. I actually listen to her a lot, but I always find when I feel the way I do, I am usually drawn to her more. It transports me to time in my life when, for various reasons, she was always played. A time in my life, when I look back on it, was really just perfect. So when I listen to her, I feel how I felt all those years ago. In a split second I am calm, I am comforted, I feel safe; and for the time I hear her voice, I feel like I am all okay again. It's my fail safe. Good old Kate.

 I feel like I've been here in body, but my mind is elsewhere. Before I know it, the day has gone, and I can't say that I've been utterly present in it. I'm aware this makes me sound quite weird. Probably it's coming across as more weird than it actually is though.

I think I just have been very lost in thought.

VERY

My younger brother tells me I think too much. I realise I DO over think everything...to the point of missing opportunities.........perhaps. 

I tell him he is WAY too impulsive. 

He notes this too. 

We wonder how we can both be so different.

I think I'm spinning a lot of plates. I don't like plate spinning. I like plates firmly on shelves.........perfectly still. I'm out of my comfort zone. It unsettles me. I think this is a period of change for me too in many aspects of my life. Subtle changes.....but still, I am not good with change. It takes me a month or two to adjust to things. Also, I can feel the subtle shift in the weather. The summer is fading. I don't think I am ready for anything else yet. So many grey and wet days leading up to the sunshine. I longed for it so hard this year, more than I have ever done so I think.  I'm not ready to give it up. I'm not ready for the change into Autumn.



I'm just not ready.

I have thought about my blog space here too. I had to decide really, last year, where I was going to go with it. After being absent on it so much with being more on Instagram, I had to think about what I wanted from this little space here. I felt like people wanted more of me than I was prepared to give, or,  I suppose, felt comfortable giving. That's why for a while, Instagram seemed the happier option. I felt like I was being a bit overwhelmed here and it was easier to just run away onto Instagram. People asked things of me which would have 'promoted' me.  I realised I just wasn't all that comfortable with it. Shyness I suppose played a big part, but I immediately felt like I was losing control a bit. I didn't like the feeling that perhaps I might start to lose what say I had in stuff that mattered to me.

I know people say it's good to get out of your comfort zone, but I just find it so difficult. Like I said....I'm no good with change. So, I decided last year to ditch Instagram, and come back full time to blogging.........but to scale it all back. Just go back to basics, and feel happy and unpressured with what I was doing.......and when I was doing it. Mostly I think I am happy with my choice. Sometimes I feel that maybe I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face. My close friends think  I am an idiot and that I've totally wasted opportunitues. Perhaps I have. So when people start knocking at the door once more, I have to ponder on it all over again. 

The parable of the drowning man springs to mind.

It's a double edged sword this blogging malarky at times. But I wouldn't trade it. I have my wobbles at times, when I'm restless, or when I self doubt, but, I'm always glad I have this space to record bits of my life and things that I make. And I do so love this community here. It feels special. Many bloggers I started this road out with have totally ditched their blogs now, succumbing to the Siren's call on Instagram. I know there is a huge crafting community on there, but the community on here feels exta special. Maybe just because it's smaller...maybe more concrete. Maybe because blogs are more than about a picture. It's nice to have something concrete to record. A permanent diary. A chunk of a day, week, month.....and not just a moment. I know I'll be glad in years to come that I had kept this little space to record my thoughts....my moments in time.

So, I think I'll be happier when the new term starts. 

Order again.

Less time to over think. Less mess around me, with the three bears back in school. A tidy house, a tidy mind. A clear.....fresh mind.

I shall miss the leisurely breakfasts though. They seem to last right through until lunchtime.

Slow pouring coffee

Jam that always has the lid off

The waft of fresh toast....

....Yes, I have enjoyed that very much.

But I am ready for the order to begin.

I will have adjusted to the shifts of time and life, and be more myself again. I know I'm not alone in this feeling. We all get it from time to time. I think it's maybe just several moments of my life changing subtly at the same time. It's just making me feel a bit 'out of sorts' for a short spell. It must be part of life.

Maybe when the order is restored, my crafty ways will come back to me. I have a few projects on the go, but abandoned throughout August. Once I reclaim my mojo, I'll be raring to go with them. I liked how they were shaping up before I put them down.

Thank you, for all your comments you take the time to write here in my little space. I know life is hectic, and I hugely appreciate that you take the time to post a comment. I am grateful too, to have you guys here. You 'get' me.

I am trying harder to be able to visit you all, but, sometimes I fail miserably when time is not on my side.

I will come and visit you soon...........

xxx

....and here's if you fancy a dose of Kate.....

My late night driving 'go to', and some of my most favourite lyrics....ever.

....all the dreamers are waking.....