Autumn/Winter Ramble 2021/2022

When I went to write this blog post, it dawned on me, that for the past couple of years I have only written Spring and Summer posts. I can't really say why I seemed to have missed two seasons out of the years. It was certainly my intention to write 4 seasonal posts a year. Maybe I find these seasons to be the most busy and stressful of the seasons. It sometimes takes all that I have just to get through them, let alone write about them. Maybe I'm over thinking things, and I'm just plain lazy.

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Actually, this post has been chopped, changed, written and re-written. I questioned my own sanity at one point. Weirdly, for saying I have a blog which I share to anyone who chooses to read it, I'm a very quiet and private person. I plod along in life being a mother and a maker of things. Life ebbs and flows, and every now and then it gets turned on its head for good measure. To tell you the truth, I have felt so discombobulated and out of sorts recently. I have mainly put it down to being peri-menopausal. It's the darndest of things. My hormones seem to be all over the place. I just don't really feel like I know myself at the moment. I'm all over the place and it unsettles me. I'm trying to accept this time of change, but I am feeling frustrated with myself. It's also quite hard to get others to understand just how much this season of life affects you. I think it's always been seen as a bit of a joke, and only others who have, or who are currently experiencing it can completely understand it. There are more celebrities discussing it quite openly now, which is fantastic. Do you know, I had never even HEARD of the peri-menopause until I started to get symptoms. I knew I hadn't hit the menopause but felt all of these tell tale symptoms. This whole wealth of information was found at the touch of a button, but I had to go searching for it for answers. It beggars belief really that something so profound in women is discussed so little. Anyway, that's just my experience. Others may have faired better. Suffice to say, I have been acting weird and feeling weird and it has made me really quite grumpy and frustrated to feel a lack of control. I am a control freak by nature, so I find it doubly hard. I'm sure the Bears have been finding me a little testing. It's almost like I have had to deal with their adolescence and mood swings, and now they have to deal with mine. I go from feeling like the crappest mother in the world, to feeling like I actually did a decent job in a space of 0-60 seconds.

Trying to get a handle on all of these physical and emotional changes, I really began to analyse myself. It's not something I think I have ever done. You get up in the mornings, you are you, then you go to bed. And Repeat. Anyway, I realised something about myself that had not crossed my mind ever before and it was sort of a revelation for me. I felt like things finally made sense. Doesn't change anything, but it clears a lot up and sort of organises the compartments in my mind.

Two thirds of the Bears are fully grown adults, and Baby Bear is catching up quick. I absolutely adore having grown up chats with them, but I mourn the loss of feeling so needed. Big Bear flies the nest in a few weeks and the dynamics will change. I'm bracing myself. Of course, I'm over the moon the time has come to start spread wings, but it's bitter-sweet and it's hitting me hard feeling so out of sorts too. I know so many others share similar feelings, so I take comfort in not feeling alone, when sometimes I feel very alone.

Usually when I feel like I am on some very fast roundabout, I have a very urgent need to just retract from pretty much everything in my world. I call it 'going down the rabbit hole'. I came off any social media, burrow down and just concentrated on my little bubble. When I am not feeling myself, I find the lure of social media almost too much to bear. The fake perfectness does absolutely nothing to help me get through how I'm feeling. When I'm in a better frame of mind I can quite happily brush it all off and see it all for how it is. As soon as I start to feel like things are spinning around too fast, then I know to start cutting myself off from everything and just concentrate on the things that really count in my life. I also actually find that the social media detox is great for rediscovering myself. Sometimes I find, I get so caught up in someone else's daily dream that I forget it's not actually mine. Just by stopping and remembering what it is that I actually love, I end up going down my own path and the joy it brings is second to none. I have, however, discovered some slow living vlogs on You Tube that I find really calming and inspirational. They have helped to remind me to slow things, take my time and just enjoy the simplicity of the small pleasures. That is what I have been doing, and that is currently where I am up to in my life.

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Autumn came and went, and with it followed the mildest Winter. I actually planted up spring bulbs for like, the first time ever when I was actually supposed to. I was super proud of myself.  The Winter has been so mild that they have come up really early. I have not really bothered with the garden these last few years. It's honestly the size of a postage stamp, yet still I really struggle to manage it. I just don't think I'm green fingered enough. About 10 years ago, we had one of the wettest winters, spring and summer. A wave of blackspot descended upon my little Town. It landed most heavily in my garden, and to this day, my roses truly suffer. I have tried everything, bar completely demolishing the garden to eradicate the fungus. I get so disheartened when I try something and it totally bombs. It happens way too often for my liking. I'm a defeatist. Failing at something really doesn't spur me on to try harder to succeed. I just think "okay I'm done, what's next?"

My tastes seem to be changing. Well, when I say that, I think I mean I so desperately feel in the need for a complete change. I'm a pastel girl at heart, with the odd bit of vibrant thrown in when the mood takes me. Lately though, I just need empty and pretty much all white. It could possibly have something to do with the present situation I have found myself in these past 18 months. I'm just craving serene and neutral. I tried to make a start on my dresser. All pastels came off and white dresser was teamed with white crockery. Plants were added for a touch of contrast.......but safe to say.......a little bit of pastel made its way back. Only a hint though. I was quite pleased with myself at my restraint. I now want all the walls painted soft shades of white. Everyone rolls their eyes at me. 

I actually need to summon up the energy and willpower to detox my house. I attach sentimental value to pretty much everything and I need to just learn to let go a bit more. I think it will help to declutter my brain. That is sorely needed. 

(Bye Bye Pastel Dresser)

The outside office was installed before Christmas. I was so grateful for that. Finally I could see light at the end of the tunnel. The pandemic has certainly turned life topsy turvy. The house had been so jammed pack full of office stuff, with no actual office space, that when it was all finally moved, I didn't want anything to get in the way of finally having space to breathe. Unfortunately, that was the middle of December, when trees and decs and all lovely manner of stuff usually gets crammed into a house. I just couldn't face it to tell the truth. The Bears weren't bothered about not having a tree or any decs so that made me feel a little less guilty. I snuck a few little bits onto shelves that I had bought in the month, but nothing was brought down from the loft.  It felt weird, but also liberating. I did miss my yearly ritual of getting up super early whilst the rest of the house is still asleep and having my first cuppa of the day in silence.....just the twinkly lights on the tree and me.

Christmas came and went. Lovely highs and not so lovely lows. It was what it was. It came in a whirlwind it seemed, and left in one.

The family saw the New Year in with a lovely dose of Covid. Only Big Bear managed to escape it. We had all been vaccinated as much as we could be for our ages and it was actually fine for us all, just colds, so we were lucky. Some are not so.

I had started another blanket back in the Autumn.  I just loved the look of...

 THIS BLANKET

As per usual, I saw it, and straight away decided that I was going to make it. I just don't really stop to think as to whether I actually NEED any more blankets, I just dive straight in. I never learn.

I did my usual, not sticking to the pattern, and made work for myself, only to realise if I'd just skipped a bit then carried on, it would have been just fine. I really can be a crochet muppet sometimes. Anyway, I liked how it was coming together. I actually really like straight forward squares that you just crochet together in an easy fashion. Maybe it's because I seem to be drawn to hexagonal motifs that really are the WORST to put together. So time consuming and tedious. But I do love the end result. My Beatrix Potter Blanket is one I have got so much joy from. It really set me on a path for the patchwork look. I actually have to confess to getting the wanties to making another hexagonal crochet blanket but with even smaller hexies. I know it would absolutely drive me batty to make it...........but I also know that the end result would be beautiful. 

Arrrrgggghhhhhhh

Back to my current blanket. I was desperate to use the King Cole Forest Aran yarn. I just fell in love with most of the colours and wanted to use them all together. I wasn't keen on a couple of the shades and needed to bulk the blanket out with another couple of shades to get a good balance throughout the blanket. I mixed Sirdar Saltaire in the Fern and Squirrel colour ways and like how they blended in. I was going to make all the circles first, then square them off, then lay the colours and crochet it all together in one big finale, but decided to actually do one strip at a time and get each strip crocheted together first. I just thought it actually might spur me on rather than just seeing piles of motifs growing.

I decided that this was to be the final crochet project before I actually knuckled down and learnt properly how to knit a pair of socks (I don't know why it just scares me so?). I have enough blankets now. I gave a fair amount to charity last year but still have a lot in the house. Socks. People always need to wear socks. Can you have too many? I'm sure avid sock knitters will say maybe yes, but if I start from none, then if I learn, I can make quite a few before I need to quit those too. I think 1000 pairs of socks would roughly equal the size of one of my blankets! I still haven't perfected the art of a small blanket. 

I have some You Tube sock tutorials book marked, and I think I have the needles now to move forward. I just need to finish my blanket and psyche myself up for the knit lingo. I tell myself I taught myself to crochet, I can teach myself to knit socks.

At this point I will insert an edit:

I got 3/4 of the way through my blanket and was making great and speedy progress......then I lost a whole bunch of made up squares. They must have been packed somewhere before Christmas when we were packing and moving things to the office. Getting Covid after Christmas and generally just feeling discombobulated, I really couldn't be bothered to go hunting through stacked tubs. To date, the blanket is half finished, and another blanket pattern caught my eye in the meantime. I'll save that for another post. These knitted socks are elusive.

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Spring has arrived and I am in need of piggy backing it, tapping into its boundless energy and upbeat positivity.

I'll let you know how I get on with that.

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Cheerio

Ness

XXX

Spring 2021

 

Sometimes, when you talk to the universe.....it answers you back.

I had planned to write two blog posts before this. One for Autumn, and one for Winter. It was my plan just to write up a post each season. Posts to just catch up and remind myself what had been happening in my life. I'm not so sure anyone actually reads blogs any more. The fast paced world of Instagram, Twitter and TikTok leaves blogging pretty much a thing of the past now. It saddens me, when I think of blogging in its hey day and what an incredibly lovely community it was. But I write. I continue to write for me, and if anyone happens to read it and even remotely enjoy it, then that's a lovely little bonus I guess. 

Nothing really has been happening in my little world . It feels like months and months of nothingness be honest. Lockdown, after lockdown it seemed and I just found myself being cooped up in my own little space in the house with everyone else crammed in too for good measure.  One thing I realised whilst we were all stuck in the house day after day together, was that my life just became one big Groundhog Day. Cleaning, cleaning.....and more cleaning. Oh, and food shopping because everybody seemed to be hungry ALL of the time. No sooner was the kitchen blitzed, it was a mess again. There actually never seemed to be a break when someone wasn't eating or using every dish, pan, cup, plate there was. It actually became really quite depressing. Forever cleaning, and having to walk around on tiptoes everywhere in case I disturbed a conference call really just drained me of being able to anything creative and visual. 

The frustration that I was starting to feel was getting bigger and bigger inside. 

Autumn 2020 had been a tale of two halves. A difficult one. One where I had felt alone, tired and frustrated. One where I had felt no desire to do anything other than just 'get through the day'. Eventually the turning point did arrive. I had been waiting for it for such a long while. That moment when I woke, and suddenly felt ready to tackle all that I had previously not had the mental capacity to tackle. 

It felt so good. It felt like a thousand tonnes of weight had been lifted from my overladen shoulders. It felt like peace had once again been restored in my whole being. Weirdly, serendipitous events happened to help bring it about. Do you believe the universe has plans for you? Well, I felt like everything that I had been feeling these past 15 months had come full circle and I could begin see the clear road ahead. 

It was suddenly very clear in my head what I wanted to achieve. The year had been one big write off and suddenly I felt like I could move forward. 

I have felt over the last few years that I have been wading through some very thick treacle. Ever so slowly, the world has been closing in on me. Not knowing how to deal with it and just putting it to the back of my mind has been my 'go to' method. Clearly not the best solution, and the longer you leave it, the bigger it gets. With loss and grief big, big factors in my life also this last year, that helped to just not want to deal with anything.

Finally waking up and the fog clearing was such a blessed relief. Finally feeling ready to tackle happiness and what I need to do to achieve it was such a nice feeling. Deep soul happiness, not just on the surface happiness. 

So, the latter part of Autumn I felt  a great positivity. 

The second and third lockdowns slight dampened all that positivity that had flooded within me. Like I said, everyone crammed in at home working, eating and just generally making mess I couldn't keep up with......well.......I have just been silently keeping my head down and making do until such time as I feel I can begin to spread my wings again.

I don't think I realised just how much I value and crave my own space. That quiet. Just yourself and your thoughts. Not being able to freely potter and be as creative as my mind has wanted me to be has seen the frustration grow within me. It has taken everything in me to keep it contained. Sometimes I have thought how great it would be to go to some remote location and just scream my little lungs out. I think that might have made me feel a little better. However, even being all crammed on top of each other, I am grateful for many, many things. I appreciate it all.

In creative news, I did things that pretty much could be done compactly. I was lucky enough to be given the most gorgeous coat for my birthday. 

The most perfect pink. I wanted to make a scarf or shawl to compliment it. I decided upon the Victoria Shawl by Sandra from Cherry Heart Blog

I used Drops Baby Alpaca Silk in Powder for the main body and off white for the edging. It's so pretty a delight to wear.

Once again serendipitous moments happened, which resulted in a new blanket being born. I thought I was really over blankets.......silly me for even thinking that really.

During the annual retrieving of the Christmas decs from the loft, I came across a crafty tub with a much beloved crochet project in it.  

Started many, many moons ago, it was a project that was put aside. When it was retrieved, I sadly realised that, with my usual lack of planning, pretty much all of the yarns had been discontinued and I couldn't carry on with it in the way that I had wanted to ( a decent sized blanket). I couldn't stop thinking on it though. I was absolutely in love with it at the time. It was made of tiny hexagons, that I was planning on sewing together by hand. I wanted sort of a vintage patchwork piece. Anyway, for reasons explained, it didn't come to fruition (when I ever get round to it, it will become a big floor cushion). However, it really would not leave my head. I had loved working with the pastels in my last Irish Chain Quilt blanket and had some left over, so the thought started brewing. Then, over Christmas I watched The programme 'When Roald Dahl met Beatrix Potter'. Oh my gosh, I adored it. Having long been a Potter fan, this was just a delight to watch. Suddenly the idea was born. A small hexi patchwork blanket using pastel shades that were used in the drawings by Beatrix Potter. 

Pretty much like every other blanket colour way that I use, but a good excuse. Literally as soon as the lightbulb went on........

I just love the shades. So totally me.

Coming along nicely. I made the hexies slightly bigger. I just didn't know if I had the stamina to make them as small as the last lot. The size is okay, but if I'm being honest, I prefer the smaller size. I think they look more 'vintage' the smaller they are in a blanket form. I'm okay with that though.

Minnie, thinking that every blanket laid down is for her use only.

All the hexies are made. I have sewn together half of them with needle and thread. I don't know why it was so important for me to sew them up this way. I don't even think it's such a good idea. Yarn works well to sew yarns together, thread works well to sew fabrics together. I don't think it's the best combination to put together, but I have been determined that it should be done this way. Stupid me and my stupid ideas. We shall see how much patching together will need to be done at a later date. For now though, I am loving it. I did take a break half way through to make myself another shawl. Life events needed me to make something quick and rewarding, and also give me something deep to focus on for a short while.

So, I decided upon this......

It's the Denver Sunset Shawl

I was perusing my pinterest boards for inspiration, and this just screamed at me. Quick and easy. Gorgeous colours from one ball. I'm on it. 

It crocheted up in a couple of days. It was a simple pattern repeat, but it took me ages to get going. I really am not a fan of patterns which don't provide any charts of any sorts. I had to try and read the pattern to try and make up my own chart just to try and make sense of the beginning. I did finally get it and once the first couple of rows were done then it was a fine repeat. It was an aran weight hooked on a 9mm hook so it worked up fast.

Typical me to make something Autumnal just as Spring arrives. I just adored the wash of colours. The pattern is available on Ravelry if anyone is interested. I used the yarn recommended, Lion Brand Landscapes. I love it so much, I'm actually thinking on another one. I made a very very long scarf a couple of years back which I named my Dr Who scarf. I love it so much and the yarn was just so beautiful. 

This was in a Cygnet yarn I believe. Totally my colours and I think it would make for such a beautiful Denver Sunset Shawl pattern. Always me, to keep on making something in a billion colours if I like it. I don't need any more shawls, but, like that ever stopped me.

I seem to be drawn to these colour wash yarns now. I bought the Landscapes yarn and immediately had to text my mum with a picture. Throughout my very early years, my mum knitted me jumpers. Think 70's where everything in that whole era seemed to be made in brown, orange or yellow. My whole recollection was not one of fondness for that era. Otherwise known as #jumpergate, My mum never liked to knit in one colour yarn. She always maintained that it was so boring, so she would buy variegated yarn in brown and yellow or brown and orange. She would knit up a jumper........and not once would the damn things ever fit over my head! I shudder at the memories of my mum trying her hardest to pull them over my head. There would be yelling from me about how much it hurt my head, and there would be yelling from my mum about how she followed the pattern and my head must be incredibly large! I don't think I actually ever wore the jumpers she made me. She never ever managed to get her tension right on the necklines, and I was actually glad. Brown, yellow, orange and ANY yarn that was variegated in any way has been a no no for me for pretty much most of my life! My mum still maintains to this day that my head is a funny shape and she was never in the wrong with her tension........AND......her yarn choices were very lovely! She laughs at my choices to buy any yarn that is not plain and tells me she always knew I'd come around to her way of thinking! I still won't go near anything with just browns and yellows!!!!

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I'll leave with a few camera reel photos of the past few months. Mainly dog photos on my camera feed these days. Through lockdown, she has been my permanent companion, my little sidekick and partner in crime. I am desperate to get my big camera out again. Hopefully, with lockdown nearing its end and spring well under way, there will be the opportunity to snap snap snap away to my hearts content.

Until then.......

I lost the dog one morning. Couldn't find her anywhere. She blends in well with my house decor. The Bears have almost sat on her a couple of times when she is curled in a teeny tight ball on the sofa. She becomes almost invisible.

We have a routine on the days I'm not working. If I haven't left the house and she sees me walk past the living room with a coffee in my hand, she knows I'm off to my bedroom banishment for a couple of hours. Either laptop maintenance or crafting of some type, but the coffee in hand is her cue to whine to be with me and settle down for the morning next to me. I love it actually. She really has been my ray of sunshine on the darkest of days.

I've become obsessed with wearing berets throughout the Autumn /Winter months. I even made a couple of crochet ones too. I don't particularly suit hats in any way shape or form......but I guess I've hit that age where I simply don't care if I look stupid. Bobble hats on the dog walks are essential and berets for general walking. Turns out I like a warm head.

I made a start painting my stairs (Farrow & Ball Light Blue). Very difficult in lockdown with everyone home wanting to go up and down all day. Weeks on and it still needs another couple of coats. I fear it's going to be one of those projects that will take a year to complete........sigh. I like the colour though and it has brightened up the hallway.

Dog walks have helped enormously in lockdown. Getting fresh air......space and a few quiet moments of alone time have been essential.

I was out one sunny, but very foggy morning and I saw the most curious thing. A white rainbow......otherwise known as a Fogbow. Seriously, I never knew such a thing existed. It was pretty spectacular. I have never seen one in all my years, and probably won't again. That made it all the more special. I truly love Mother Nature.

I'm still baking bread. I seriously should stop. Bread is my Achilles Heel. Love, love love it. The Bear's love it too. I tell myself I'm making it for them.....really it's just for me. They have to be quick to get some. I love them to bits, but it's seriously a close call between them and bread. I kid you not!

xxx