Autumn/Winter Ramble 2021/2022

When I went to write this blog post, it dawned on me, that for the past couple of years I have only written Spring and Summer posts. I can't really say why I seemed to have missed two seasons out of the years. It was certainly my intention to write 4 seasonal posts a year. Maybe I find these seasons to be the most busy and stressful of the seasons. It sometimes takes all that I have just to get through them, let alone write about them. Maybe I'm over thinking things, and I'm just plain lazy.

❤❤❤❤

(INSERT)

Actually, this post has been chopped, changed, written and re-written. I questioned my own sanity at one point. Weirdly, for saying I have a blog which I share to anyone who chooses to read it, I'm a very quiet and private person. I plod along in life being a mother and a maker of things. Life ebbs and flows, and every now and then it gets turned on its head for good measure. To tell you the truth, I have felt so discombobulated and out of sorts recently. I have mainly put it down to being peri-menopausal. It's the darndest of things. My hormones seem to be all over the place. I just don't really feel like I know myself at the moment. I'm all over the place and it unsettles me. I'm trying to accept this time of change, but I am feeling frustrated with myself. It's also quite hard to get others to understand just how much this season of life affects you. I think it's always been seen as a bit of a joke, and only others who have, or who are currently experiencing it can completely understand it. There are more celebrities discussing it quite openly now, which is fantastic. Do you know, I had never even HEARD of the peri-menopause until I started to get symptoms. I knew I hadn't hit the menopause but felt all of these tell tale symptoms. This whole wealth of information was found at the touch of a button, but I had to go searching for it for answers. It beggars belief really that something so profound in women is discussed so little. Anyway, that's just my experience. Others may have faired better. Suffice to say, I have been acting weird and feeling weird and it has made me really quite grumpy and frustrated to feel a lack of control. I am a control freak by nature, so I find it doubly hard. I'm sure the Bears have been finding me a little testing. It's almost like I have had to deal with their adolescence and mood swings, and now they have to deal with mine. I go from feeling like the crappest mother in the world, to feeling like I actually did a decent job in a space of 0-60 seconds.

Trying to get a handle on all of these physical and emotional changes, I really began to analyse myself. It's not something I think I have ever done. You get up in the mornings, you are you, then you go to bed. And Repeat. Anyway, I realised something about myself that had not crossed my mind ever before and it was sort of a revelation for me. I felt like things finally made sense. Doesn't change anything, but it clears a lot up and sort of organises the compartments in my mind.

Two thirds of the Bears are fully grown adults, and Baby Bear is catching up quick. I absolutely adore having grown up chats with them, but I mourn the loss of feeling so needed. Big Bear flies the nest in a few weeks and the dynamics will change. I'm bracing myself. Of course, I'm over the moon the time has come to start spread wings, but it's bitter-sweet and it's hitting me hard feeling so out of sorts too. I know so many others share similar feelings, so I take comfort in not feeling alone, when sometimes I feel very alone.

Usually when I feel like I am on some very fast roundabout, I have a very urgent need to just retract from pretty much everything in my world. I call it 'going down the rabbit hole'. I came off any social media, burrow down and just concentrated on my little bubble. When I am not feeling myself, I find the lure of social media almost too much to bear. The fake perfectness does absolutely nothing to help me get through how I'm feeling. When I'm in a better frame of mind I can quite happily brush it all off and see it all for how it is. As soon as I start to feel like things are spinning around too fast, then I know to start cutting myself off from everything and just concentrate on the things that really count in my life. I also actually find that the social media detox is great for rediscovering myself. Sometimes I find, I get so caught up in someone else's daily dream that I forget it's not actually mine. Just by stopping and remembering what it is that I actually love, I end up going down my own path and the joy it brings is second to none. I have, however, discovered some slow living vlogs on You Tube that I find really calming and inspirational. They have helped to remind me to slow things, take my time and just enjoy the simplicity of the small pleasures. That is what I have been doing, and that is currently where I am up to in my life.

❤❤❤❤

Autumn came and went, and with it followed the mildest Winter. I actually planted up spring bulbs for like, the first time ever when I was actually supposed to. I was super proud of myself.  The Winter has been so mild that they have come up really early. I have not really bothered with the garden these last few years. It's honestly the size of a postage stamp, yet still I really struggle to manage it. I just don't think I'm green fingered enough. About 10 years ago, we had one of the wettest winters, spring and summer. A wave of blackspot descended upon my little Town. It landed most heavily in my garden, and to this day, my roses truly suffer. I have tried everything, bar completely demolishing the garden to eradicate the fungus. I get so disheartened when I try something and it totally bombs. It happens way too often for my liking. I'm a defeatist. Failing at something really doesn't spur me on to try harder to succeed. I just think "okay I'm done, what's next?"

My tastes seem to be changing. Well, when I say that, I think I mean I so desperately feel in the need for a complete change. I'm a pastel girl at heart, with the odd bit of vibrant thrown in when the mood takes me. Lately though, I just need empty and pretty much all white. It could possibly have something to do with the present situation I have found myself in these past 18 months. I'm just craving serene and neutral. I tried to make a start on my dresser. All pastels came off and white dresser was teamed with white crockery. Plants were added for a touch of contrast.......but safe to say.......a little bit of pastel made its way back. Only a hint though. I was quite pleased with myself at my restraint. I now want all the walls painted soft shades of white. Everyone rolls their eyes at me. 

I actually need to summon up the energy and willpower to detox my house. I attach sentimental value to pretty much everything and I need to just learn to let go a bit more. I think it will help to declutter my brain. That is sorely needed. 

(Bye Bye Pastel Dresser)

The outside office was installed before Christmas. I was so grateful for that. Finally I could see light at the end of the tunnel. The pandemic has certainly turned life topsy turvy. The house had been so jammed pack full of office stuff, with no actual office space, that when it was all finally moved, I didn't want anything to get in the way of finally having space to breathe. Unfortunately, that was the middle of December, when trees and decs and all lovely manner of stuff usually gets crammed into a house. I just couldn't face it to tell the truth. The Bears weren't bothered about not having a tree or any decs so that made me feel a little less guilty. I snuck a few little bits onto shelves that I had bought in the month, but nothing was brought down from the loft.  It felt weird, but also liberating. I did miss my yearly ritual of getting up super early whilst the rest of the house is still asleep and having my first cuppa of the day in silence.....just the twinkly lights on the tree and me.

Christmas came and went. Lovely highs and not so lovely lows. It was what it was. It came in a whirlwind it seemed, and left in one.

The family saw the New Year in with a lovely dose of Covid. Only Big Bear managed to escape it. We had all been vaccinated as much as we could be for our ages and it was actually fine for us all, just colds, so we were lucky. Some are not so.

I had started another blanket back in the Autumn.  I just loved the look of...

 THIS BLANKET

As per usual, I saw it, and straight away decided that I was going to make it. I just don't really stop to think as to whether I actually NEED any more blankets, I just dive straight in. I never learn.

I did my usual, not sticking to the pattern, and made work for myself, only to realise if I'd just skipped a bit then carried on, it would have been just fine. I really can be a crochet muppet sometimes. Anyway, I liked how it was coming together. I actually really like straight forward squares that you just crochet together in an easy fashion. Maybe it's because I seem to be drawn to hexagonal motifs that really are the WORST to put together. So time consuming and tedious. But I do love the end result. My Beatrix Potter Blanket is one I have got so much joy from. It really set me on a path for the patchwork look. I actually have to confess to getting the wanties to making another hexagonal crochet blanket but with even smaller hexies. I know it would absolutely drive me batty to make it...........but I also know that the end result would be beautiful. 

Arrrrgggghhhhhhh

Back to my current blanket. I was desperate to use the King Cole Forest Aran yarn. I just fell in love with most of the colours and wanted to use them all together. I wasn't keen on a couple of the shades and needed to bulk the blanket out with another couple of shades to get a good balance throughout the blanket. I mixed Sirdar Saltaire in the Fern and Squirrel colour ways and like how they blended in. I was going to make all the circles first, then square them off, then lay the colours and crochet it all together in one big finale, but decided to actually do one strip at a time and get each strip crocheted together first. I just thought it actually might spur me on rather than just seeing piles of motifs growing.

I decided that this was to be the final crochet project before I actually knuckled down and learnt properly how to knit a pair of socks (I don't know why it just scares me so?). I have enough blankets now. I gave a fair amount to charity last year but still have a lot in the house. Socks. People always need to wear socks. Can you have too many? I'm sure avid sock knitters will say maybe yes, but if I start from none, then if I learn, I can make quite a few before I need to quit those too. I think 1000 pairs of socks would roughly equal the size of one of my blankets! I still haven't perfected the art of a small blanket. 

I have some You Tube sock tutorials book marked, and I think I have the needles now to move forward. I just need to finish my blanket and psyche myself up for the knit lingo. I tell myself I taught myself to crochet, I can teach myself to knit socks.

At this point I will insert an edit:

I got 3/4 of the way through my blanket and was making great and speedy progress......then I lost a whole bunch of made up squares. They must have been packed somewhere before Christmas when we were packing and moving things to the office. Getting Covid after Christmas and generally just feeling discombobulated, I really couldn't be bothered to go hunting through stacked tubs. To date, the blanket is half finished, and another blanket pattern caught my eye in the meantime. I'll save that for another post. These knitted socks are elusive.

❤❤❤❤

Spring has arrived and I am in need of piggy backing it, tapping into its boundless energy and upbeat positivity.

I'll let you know how I get on with that.

❀❀❀❀❀❀

Cheerio

Ness

XXX

Summer 2020

Well.....we continue with a weird 2020

Summer........what can I say?

I cannot report that I have done much this Summer. Being either at home on lockdown, or at work.....that's pretty much it. Two places for the last few months. No taking advantage of some glorious weather, getting out and sight seeing.

Nothing. Absolutely NOTHING. However, I know it's been pretty much the same for everybody.

For the first time in what feels like years, we paid particular attention to the garden. It just hadn't been a priority. Our Garden is really no bigger than the size of a postage stamp, so it shouldn't be that difficult to sort and maintain, but for some reason it was just neglected. A small greenhouse was bought, and seeds were planted. It's been the first year we actually had colour in the garden for such a long time. 

The hydrangeas were a particular beauty this year. They really took my breath away. My soil naturally turns the flowers pink, even when I buy blue hydrangeas which are my favourite, So I add more acid to the soil with a Hydrangea Colourant (available in most Garden Centres) and goodness me, they really put on a show this year. The most gorgeous shades of pink, pale lilac to the deepest blue. I picked so many to dry and almost everyone failed......except for three heads which seemed to dry well and retain their gorgeous blue shade. All the others I failed to dry well, I turned into confetti and stored in Mason Ball jars. Goodness knows what I'll do with them, but they were just too pretty to toss on the compost heap.

I grew my first Sweet Peas. Semi success. I planted too many together and they were a bit stunted. Never the less, I got to pick quite a few posies for little vases, and they made me so happy. New rose bushes were planted, I got a second wave of roses this year which thrilled me.......and I finally got some foxgloves in the garden. I have a list of plants I want to grow, and I just have a couple more that I want to get in the ground for next year.

❤❤❤

Creatively wise, I have almost finished my third blanket of the year. No more blankets.....for this year anyway. I did donate several of my early blankets to charity just before lockdown. It felt good to create space, but it felt like losing a part of me. I have yet to make a medium or small blanket. The blankets I end up making take up such a huge amount of my time. There are often quite a few memories woven in, so it's strange to just let them go. It's like letting go of a piece of your life.

★★★

The last few months on a personal level have been quite tough. My frame of mind could quite simply be described as one of quiet chaos. I've found it hard to settle on anything and focus well. My grief at the loss of my brother is still very much apparent and pretty much still consumes my day. The blanket making has helped to an extent. It has managed to keep me level, but I have no real 'peace' at the moment. I'm working through things little by little, but I'm aware that it's going to take some time.....and I'm okay with that. Slowly but surely wins the race and all.

❤❤❤

I am just finishing sewing in the final ends of my blanket started in my previous post. I started it at the beginning of 'Lockdown' at the end of March. It was a simplified version of the Irish Chain Quilt Crochet Blanket I completed. I don't know why on earth I thought it would be a good idea to make another one. As I explained in my last post.....the only blanket I had ever actually planned......and I still got it terribly wrong! It was okay, I just had to scale it back on repeat rows. It's big.....it's warm.....it's pretty......and I should really really love it......

.....but I can't say that I do.

For some reason it just didn't live up to the wonderful expectations I had in my head. The yarn palette was so pretty......it should have been so gorgeous. Don't get me wrong, it is pretty for sure.....but I think I was expecting it to have that 'WOW' factor......and it just fell short.

Perhaps I felt a little deflated with it......because half way through making the blanket......I started another one!!!!! I'm not sure why I did. I usually am a one project at a time kind of girl.

I had some yarn that I had wanted to make a blanket with. The yarn I had was was Drops Puna. It's one of my favourite yarns. I seem to use it a lot. It has a lovely vintage quality to it. I had bought the off white colour (which is actually more of a light wheat kind of shade). I knew I wanted it to be a lovely vintage style blanket but I had yet to find the perfect granny square. I had tried a few but none felt right. Then one day on a random search I stumbled across a square that looked perfect for the yarn. I made up a square and knew in an instant that I had found the one. Once the brain goes into overdrive, I had to put the other blanket down and crochet away with this new one.

OH MY WORD. I loved loved loved making this blanket. It's definitely got the 'WOW' factor for me. I couldn't get enough of this blanket. It just seemed so perfect in every way. Very very warm. Very vintage looking. It looked perfect on my bed. It was just one of those projects that wasn't at all planned but ended up exceeding all my expectations.

 I truly love it.

So it seems, the unplanned blanket was a tremendous hit and the only ever planned blanket feel short of all expectations.

As usual, I'm quite pants with recording all the details of blankets that I make. The Drops Puna I had bought when it was on sale and I bought 20 50g balls. I literally found the granny square I wanted to crochet ( this one ) and crocheted until I pretty much just had a couple of balls left. I used those to do a border using a row of the granny square and then a puffed scallop to finish. It's a heavy blanket. Very warm. The pup takes every opportunity to fall asleep on it when she can.

It really is such a pretty blanket. I really would love to make another one, in a pale grey. But enough for now!

Back to the Irish Chain Blanket.....

I do like it. It actually goes well on the bed with the current bedding. It's warm and it'll get plenty of use that's for sure. I did have a piece of paper with all my workings on. I sized the squares, weighed the squares, worked out the yarn quantities, and thought I was doing so well. Now I cannot for the life of me find any of the information. If I find it and get my act together, I'll put it all up on Ravelry with more information. Seriously it's shocking how rubbish I am at recording stuff. I envy the organised!

I haven't even named my blankets yet. I always name my blankets! I'll think on it.

Oh well. Three blankets down this year and I'm done with them (I say that...and at the time of typing this, I REALLY mean it....but come on.....this is me after all!). I have a couple of sewing projects that I want to turn my attention to. It was supposed to FINALLY be sock knitting time......but I just don't think my brain can cope with the whole new learning curve of it. So I think sewing is the way forward which will continue to help with soothing my soul.

I am thinking that I'd quite like to make this though.......

It's the 'Sporty Poncho' by Amanda Tipton

The pattern is available on Ravelry.

I have some pretty yarn that I think would work well with this for the colder months. 

❤❤❤

I have continued to bake throughout Lockdown. I have continued to put on weight. Once again, My brain will have to deal with sorting that out when it's in a better coping mode.

❤❤❤

I had fun making myself some progress markers. I realised whilst making the blankets, just how few progress keepers I actually had. I had made myself a few necklaces using semi precious stones. I don't know why, I just woke up one day and felt a strong urge to make myself some. I find Rose Quartz and Amazonite in particular incredibly soothing for my soul. As I had everything to hand, I made a few progress keepers using semi precious stones, and pearls and some pretty charms. I'm all set now, and happy to do a bit of creativity that wasn't crochet based.

Pumpkins are starting to make a re-appearance and more are being painted. I think this year I may have gone a little pumpkin overboard. Making up for lost time I am telling myself.

♥♥♥

So the Summer moves along into Autumn. The mornings have a nip in the air but the days are still warm and relatively balmy. You can feel nature starting to feel a bit weary after its big Summer show. The feeling of slumber is apparent. I have loved the long days of Summer. Pup has loved the long days of Summer for sure. 

I do like this transition of seasons though. I have dug out all my Autumnal candles (and possibly added a few more!). There is nothing nicer than a house smelling of apple & cinnamon and pumpkin spice. It really is heavenly.

This pink pumpkin was one I painted last year. It's a real squash I bought from the store and painted pink. All the other fresh ones I painted lasted a month or so, but for some reason, this little pumpkin has lasted all year. Only in the last couple of weeks did the paint start to chip. Just in time for me to paint a few new pumpkins!

Jumpers and cosy wraps have made their way to the forefront of the wardrobes and I'm deciding which blankets will go on which beds this year.

I treated myself to a new Autumn jacket.

(It's from here and I got in when it was on a special offer)

It had to be done. It was literally screaming my name. I just need to make some pretty wrist warmers and scarf now, and that excites me. Not that I actually NEED anymore accessories. I'm sure I can find something that I've made in the past that matches perfectly......but new season new accessories! Hats are in my mind too. I made a couple of pretty hats last winter that were real winners, especially on cold morning dog walks. I have an itch to make yet another. Ridiculous I know. 

I have a list of things that need to be done around the house, but my motivation for things like that is still pretty much at rock bottom (not that it was ever very good on the best of days). Again, I'm not beating myself up about it all. I am letting go of all my control freakery this year and accepting things for where they are in my life. Hopefully, by the start of next year, I might have a bit more peace in my head to tackle more.

I head into Autumn with as much a sense of calm as I can at the moment. Let's see where it takes me. As I publish this, there are fears we, in the UK, are heading for a second lockdown. Goodness me, what a year.

So, for now, I bid you adieu, and hope that your Autumn is filled with sweet smelling spice and all things creative.

XXX